Well. Hmmmpffh.
Less than 2 full days of not smoking. It’s like I’m a gymnast at the Olympics, ok? And I’m speeding up, with my attention on the spring board and the horse (do guy gymnasts even do that event?) but something happens along the way, and instead of going into a triple-axle double-lutz followed by a three-point quadruple jacknife and then nailing the landing, I end up actually causing the genocide in Sudan. A sportscaster who saw that might say, “Man, he REALLY screwed up the approach on that one.”
When it comes to escaping my addiction/prison, well, I sorta screwed up the approach. Now I keep on blaming every slight distraction and fuzziness of vision on my lack of cigarettes. Every slight stress headache becomes overblown and insurmountable to me. I have this fantasy that when I was smoking I was SOOO efficient, and full of peace, carefree, etc etc. I have had this pack of cigarettes in my pocket, opened but untouched for over an hour, now. Including through a drive back to my place from my parents (but I avoided smoking then because I was worried that the light-headedness would affect my driving too much).
I KNOW that I have no REASON to smoke. But the urge is VERY strong. I feel like somehow, life can NOT be complete without cigarettes. I feel like, no matter what kinds of joy and happiness and fulfillment I experience, it will be empty without cigarettes. I KNOW this is not true, but there is a COMPLETE disconnect between my knowledge, however emphatic, and my motivations. So many things I was planning on doing tonight that I don’t feel I’m capable of without cigarettes by my side:
Clear out and organize my digital images
Buy Katie and Shane a wedding gift (wedding’s on Sun.)
Test out image mosaic software
Find prices for poster print
Maybe watch some basketball
So…*sigh* <—because I just did, not because it would be dramatic here>
I’m going to smoke. Then I’m going to do every single thing on that list. Unfortunately, this will just reinforce the absurd idea that I need cigarettes in order to be truly functional.
Fuck. Next time I’m getting a hypnotherapist. And that is going to be after the following has been accomplished financially, but no later than January 31st (the funny part is that even though I haven’t started smoking again, I’m still afraid to set a date to quit. Maybe because I know it’ll be for good this next time, and I, of course, still have tons of fear (I don’t normally do double parentheticals but I felt it important to note that ‘fear’ definitely needs to be addressed before I’ll be a happy non-smoker) about “Life Without Cigarettes”):
Car
$1000 cushion
Gigabyte m912